(Disclaimer: I try to stay as positive as possible on here but I just can’t right now. Sorry.)

I think I may have pushed myself into this too fast. I can’t handle this much at once. I’m behind on my schoolwork, I haven’t been to the gym in over a week (two weeks?), I haven’t been eating that well, and I’m an emotional mess. I mean a MESS. I started crying during class and had to go to the bathroom to clean myself up. Then after class I had another breakdown in the middle of fucking campus with swarms of people all around me watching me cry my eyes out. I have no idea what to do. This is what got me in trouble in high school. I was just fine until my fucking emotions got the best of me. I was exactly like this. I thought I had come so far. I hate the fact that nothing has changed. I’m still that girl that would rather stay home than go to school because I can’t stop crying or I can’t get out of bed. Or I’m just too fucking lazy. Oh yeah, that’s what I hate most about myself. I’m fucking lazy.

I really wanted to be a student again before school started. I couldn’t wait. I was so excited. Now it’s here and everything is happening so fast. I went from being a good student to a shitty one in less than a week. I can blame it on the flu, but I’m just fucking lazy and useless. So much of me wants to take the exacto knife from my art supplies and run it across my legs but then I would just prove to myself that I am the girl I used to be. And I’m not. I’m fucking not. I’ve come so far.

I was technically diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13, and there are several times in my life thus far that I can honestly say the diagnosis was right on, but I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I felt like I just got over it. I don’t even take meds or see a psychologist or psychiatrist anymore (though that’s mostly because I don’t have health insurance). Today is the first day in a long time that I’ve felt completely possessed by my emotions. Today is the first day in a long time that I couldn’t just control them. That is really fucking scary to me.

I know I need to work on my mind before anything else, but I HAVE to do well in school. I have to get all this shit done and I have absolutely no time for anything else. Not even nervous breakdowns. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard for me and so easy for everyone else. I don’t understand.